[Editor’s note: Watch Not My Party every week on Snapchat.]
Tim Miller: Putin forces reluctant reserves to fight from the safety of his dacha hideout.
Kyle Broflovski from South Park: What a dick.
Miller: This is “Not My Party”, presented by the rampart. It’s been a while since we’ve heard of Volodymyr Zelensky, our modern-day sigma male, and his nation’s struggle against the Russian invaders.
Alfred Pennyworth (Jack Bannon on Pennyworth): Things are looking up.
Brian Griffin from family guy: Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.
Miller: Earlier this month, Ukraine went on the attack, retaking thousands of square kilometers in the east of the country, including the critical city of Izyum and smaller towns in the Kharkiv region. It was a devastating strategic loss for Russia because this region linked the parts of the country it controlled together.
Frederick Gideon (Kevin Durand on locke and key): We will take back what is ours.
Miller: In a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding, Putin announced he was calling up 300,000 reservists who are not too thrilled with their new duties to the homeland.
Rajesh Koothrappali (Kunal Nayyar on The Big Bang Theory): I wonder why?
Miller: As a result, shit gets risky for Puty on the home front.
Radio DJ (Chris Rock in Pootie Tang): Man, Pootie did it again!
Miller: There were attacks on military recruiters, demonstrations in the streets and thousands of men fleeing the country to avoid conscription. Pop stars and social media influencers are taking risks in speaking out.
News anchor (voiceover): Russian pop star Alla Pugacheva took to Instagram and asked to be listed as a foreign agent.
Gleb (Russian influencer): It is not my choice to be born in this country. . . . Yesterday we had sad news about the partial mobilization. . . . I don’t want to be drafted.
Shannon (Danielle Brooks on master of nothing): Yeah, I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t do that shit either.
Miller: Mark Hertling, the former commander of the United States Army in Europe, was on The Rampart Podcast recently explaining how it happened.
Mark Hertling: To tell the truth, the Russian army is bad. While Ukraine has gone in one direction in terms of positive transformation over the past fifteen years, the Russian military has deteriorated and gone in the opposite direction.
Miller: It turns out winning a war isn’t all about manly memes featuring fat, hunky Russians and rejecting the influence of “woke culture.” This is news for Ted Cruz, who was getting excited over Russian military propaganda.
Michael Kelso (Ashton Kutcher in That 70s show): Well, that was pretty hot.
Ted Cruz: [groaning with desire]
Miller: And the fucking right-wing pundits who constantly complain about our military…
Ben Shapiro: —crisis of masculinity—
Miller: – because for them we are swallowed up in some –
Tucker-Carlson: — political purge of the army.
Campus Security Captain on american dad: Right. Right, right, right, right, right, right.
Miller: The reality is that after a few high-profile US military gaffes, US engagement in Ukraine has been essentially flawless. The Biden administration has been remarkably successful in balancing its obligations to arm and train Ukrainians without escalating the war.
James Quall on Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!: Good work.
The Wolf (Harvey Keitel in pulp Fiction): Well, let’s not start sucking dick just yet.
Miller: Good point. Remember. . .
Aemon Targaryen (Peter Vaughan on game of thrones): Winter is coming.
Miller: Military success will have to continue even if the Ukrainians inevitably tire. And by cutting off the pipeline, the Russians are trying to inflict a massive heating crisis on Ukraine and its European allies.
Norah O’Donnell: European leaders accuse Russia of sabotaging two underwater gas pipelines in the Baltic Sea.
Miller: Fortunately, the Europeans have prepared for it.
Ursula von der Leyen: We ask Member States to reduce gas consumption by 15%.
Miller: But there are fears that support could dwindle in other areas. The German chancellor gives up sending arms.
Trent Murray: He says the German armed forces have essentially been stretched based on what they have already given.
Peter Griffin on family guy: Oh well that’s disappointing.
Miller: And in Italy there is a new nationalist and even whimsical prime minister. Now, she has supported the NATO effort so far, but we’ll see if that continues.
Damon Salvatore (Ian Somerhalder on The Vampire Diaries): Re.
Miller: And on top of that, Putin is cornered and looks increasingly desperate. So he might have an itchy trigger finger on these tactical nukes.
Izzy Buttons (Shaun Parkes in The return of the mummy): Well, that’s not good.
Miller: But all of these threats come from a place of weakness for the Russians and strength for Ukraine and its allies. And the longer the Russian military flounders, the more likely Putin will get the old balcony-rejection treatment that seems to have plagued a staggering number of prominent Russians of late.
Newscaster: Another Russian oligarch died mysteriously.
Ted Lasso (Jason Sudeikis on Ted Lasso): So random.
Miller: One thing is certain: it’s a fate that Zelensky – or Dark Brandon – need not worry about. We’ll see you next week for more “Not My Party”.